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“I feel the way bank robbers must feel just before they go out on that last big job that ends up getting them all killed.

That is to say, optimistic.”

Lockpick Pornography  Joey Comeau

As I said yesterday, I went on an epic hunt for Joey Comeau, but it appears he must be deep in hiding. Chances are, writing about young girls who dream of becoming serial killers doesn’t go over to well with law enforcement.  And the vice squad probably has a thing or two to say about things like his most recent short story collection…

In my head I say “Hey David, remember all those times I came when we weren’t listening to Johnny Cash? Do you remember all those orgasms?” A pause for effect, and then, “About that.”

The Girl Who Couldn’t Come from

…and some of his latest novels…

Martin is going to Bible Camp for the summer. He’s going to make new friends. And he’s excited, but that’s probably because nobody told him what this book is called.

Bible Camp Bloodbath, 2010

…and some of his older novels…

I used to steal from heterosexuals for political reasons. Anything owned by a straight white yuppie is bought with oppression. The hetero-normative ownership paradigm is a tyrant belief system that deserves to be undermined on every front, from political protest to petty thievery.

Now I’m a little more honest about it. I can admit that I steal from straight people because I just don’t like them. I made myself a t-shirt that says “I break into heterosexual houses so I can masturbate in their heterosexual kitchens.”

Lockpick Pornography, 2006 (Chapter 1)

But you gotta admire a guy who just keeps writing this stuff despite what I imagine must be an endless barrage of investigation, threats and missionaries bent on soul-saving.  Gotta be grateful to someone willing to go through all that to write the stuff that us freaks like to read.  Go Joey!

So I wanted to feature him anyway and I did the best I could without his actual participation.  Here are some questions that Joey didn’t answer.

What does Joey Comeau like?

He likes to look serious.  Like many people who live indoors, he also likes to sit at the window and gaze outside.  Why doesn’t he just move outside?  That’s anyone’s guess.  Mine is that he likes the gleam of the outdoors that only comes from looking at it from the other side of a reflective surface.

It is also a reasonable hypothesis that Joey likes writing.  He does so damn much of it, having written at least 5 novels, 2 short story collections, a web serial and numerous other projects that I don’t know how to categorize, and all this since 2005.  Of course, sometimes people do much of something they don’t like.  I mean, does anyone enjoy tying their shoes?  And how many times have we all done that in our lifetimes?  I’d say trillions.  So it may be that Joey doesn’t like writing at all and has somehow fallen into the habit of doing it along with his other morning chores and rituals.  Get up, brush teeth, take a piss, write chapter 10, get dressed.  You know, it happens.

What does Joey Comeau do?

When he is not tying his shoes or writing, it is likely that Joey is fending off the advances of the FBI (careful, gentlemen, word has it they cling like Saran wrap and put the best stalkers to shame!)  Due to the potential of his writing to corrupt the gentle youth of the world, he may have had to move his operations to an undisclosed cave-ish location, in which case we can only imagine he has taken up the once-popular pasttime of subterranean landscaping.

But through his hiding from the FBI and missionaries, Joey manages to put words together and sentences and paragraphs and pages and stories.  This is nice.

Where does Joey Comeau come from?

He appears to come from an occasionally bearded species in a land with geography better seen from the other side of a pane of glass.  His folk may or may not be called Canadians in polite conversation.  His “current location” is thought to be Toronto, Canada, but this may just be the location of one or two body doubles, of which he probably has many.  Where his origins lie is still up to speculation.

What does Joey Comeau think of the previously-discussed zombie problem?

Joey seems to take things seriously, as already described.  In one of the few pieces of photographic evidence, he appears to be staring out at the world where, for all we know, zombies are taking over.  Yet he doesn’t appear concerned.  Perhaps he is contemplating his own role in the last supper of Earth and wondering whether salt or rosemary would be more pleasing on grey matter.  Perhaps he has concocted a fool-proof zombie repellent.  We don’t know.  What we do know is that Joey’s brain would be a tasty treat for any reanimated corpse lucky enough to snack on it.

You can say you’ve read Joey Comeau’s writing, but people say they’ve seen Bigfoot too.  What’s the diff?

Don’t hate on Bigfoot.  It is sooo not his fault that no one’s asked him to model for a peer-reviewed journal.  Those things are selective!

2 Responses to “Lockpick Pornography, Bible Camp Bloodbath, and Pals – Joey Comeau Again”


  1.  Lockpick Pornography, Bible Camp Bloodbath, and Pals – Joey … | Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
  2.  Hello Again, World! (aka “I Need Your Help!”) | Cheapass Fiction - Welcome to the free world of fiction.

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